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The Breast Cancer Diaries | Part 1

 

The Breast Cancer Diaries | Part 1

I’m writing this journal as a way to process what’s happening and share this story with those who may want to follow along. I want to remember the details- the fear and the hope. I want to remember when I’m on the other side how God has been with me through it all.

My post dates won’t align with the current date yet. I’ve been keeping this journal from the beginning, but as I learn more I’m taking the time myself to process all that’s happening.

 

September 2021-

The Beginning of My Journey

I noticed a slight change in the appearance to my left breast. I didn’t realize this was something to be concerned about so I don’t know when I first noticed this difference. But then I one night I felt a lump in the same area where the change was. It scared me as soon as I felt it. I told Mike about it the next morning as we were getting ready for work. I stared at myself in the mirror wondering if I should be concerned. I was hoping he would tell me it was nothing, but he told me he noticed the change as well…

I cried in the shower at the thought of cancer.

 

October 2, 2021

Partially

I’m partially angry at the thought of breast cancer

I’m partially numb

I’m partially in agreement with Psalm 139-

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

But then again, I don’t want these to be the pages in my story, I don’t want this to be the way it ends. There has to be more pages in this book. The story can’t end so abruptly, can it?

Maybe I’ll find out good news instead of dread.

Maybe this will be a wakeup call to make sure the rest of the story is a good one.

I pray this is it.

 

October 4, 2021

My first Appointment

This was with my primary care doctor. Mike came with me. I think we both wanted to hear someone say there was nothing to be concerned about. In a way she was reassuring…

but she wrote me a prescription for a mammogram and ultra sound.

There were the words, “screening for breast cancer.”

 

 October 6, 2021

Choose Your Own Adventure

Do you remember those books? The ones where you got to choose what happens next?

You could decide the next step for your character and turn the page or choose to go several pages forward in the story. You were part creator with the author.

I loved those books when I was little. I loved the idea of being able to choose what happened next, but I cheated. Sometimes I would choose and turn to the pages I was instructed, I would read, but then… well, I’d get curious and I’d go  back to see what would happen if I had chosen different. How would the story end?

I thought of these adventure stories when I thought about cancer. What if I have it?

What would I do different right now? My thoughts swirl around my immediate family. Mike, Ethan, and August. My time with them hasn’t been enough yet…

And what about those “Bucket List” items? The ones you dream up in the long carefree immortal days of living. Because in the irony of writing a bucket list you still imagine you have forever.

What should I do with my time if my clock has started ticking down?

I feel like I would quit a lot of things.

I think of the places we haven’t seen yet- the Grand Canyon and Christ of the Abyss.

Things we haven’t done as a family yet- skiing and playing together in the snow.

Should we do these things together?

What about the dream of that cabin in the mountains? Maybe we should find it.

What matters?

What doesn’t?

What page in our story do we turn to?

How will it affect the ending?

 

 

 

 

 

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Comments (10)

  • Avatar
    Belinda Reply

    I am reading…and praying…and reading…your story is beautiful till this point and continues to be a beautiful story in the way you’re processing, thinking, dealing…my beautiful friend, your story is not over yet…

    December 5, 2021 at 9:23 am
    • Laura Ann Miller
      Laura Ann Miller Reply

      This is so true. Thank you for being there through this process and for your prayers.

      December 5, 2021 at 5:07 pm
  • Avatar
    Sharon Reply

    Laura,

    You are so loved and covered in prayer. I am so so sorry you are going through this. Thank you for sharing your story. You aren’t alone.❤️

    December 5, 2021 at 7:43 pm
    • Laura Ann Miller
      Laura Ann Miller Reply

      Dear Sharon,
      Thank you! I am overwhelmed with the love and prayers of so many. Thank you for being here. ❤️

      December 6, 2021 at 5:15 pm
  • Avatar
    Elizabeth Lacy Reply

    I am Liz, Julia’s mom. I am sorry to hear you are going through this journey. It is a hard one. Although I don’t really know you, Julia talks about you with high regard, she feels loved by you and for that I am thankful. I also am thankful for Ethan in her life. I love and pray for him. I am lifting you and all of your family up in prayer.

    December 6, 2021 at 1:26 pm
    • Laura Ann Miller
      Laura Ann Miller Reply

      Hi Liz, thank you for praying for us through this and your love prayers for the kids! Julia is so special. I’m praying along side you. ❤️ Laura

      December 6, 2021 at 5:28 pm
  • Avatar
    Elizabeth H. Van Liere Reply

    Dear Laura. Your Dad shared this blog page with me and I am so grateful because you are writing from your heart. I’m sorry I didn’t get to read all those early posts.
    When I read all those notes from friends after you posted the news that you were facing breast cancer I know God is with you every step of the way. I went through this trial, just as you are doing. I don’t remember my thoughts, only how grateful I was after I was back on the road to recovery, all due to God’s hand upholding me. I know He is in this with you and your family as well.
    You are in my prayers and also in Jo Anne’s and your uncles and my friends. You are on the prayer chain at church. For now, I leave you in His hands. With love, Gran’ma. (PS. A friend from church is going to write you as she went through the same trial several years ago). In His love and with mine.

    December 10, 2021 at 12:09 pm
    • Laura Ann Miller
      Laura Ann Miller Reply

      Dear Grandma Betty,
      Thank you for your prayers and Aunt Jo Anne too! I am so grateful God has surrounded me and my family with such love as we go forward. I am comforted by all the women I know who have been down this road (and others who have faced cancer) and have reached out to offer support and encouragement. I often wear the necklace or bracelet you gave me to my appointments for comfort knowing you went through this too. Love you ❤️

      December 11, 2021 at 6:42 am
  • Avatar
    Evelyn Reply

    Love you Laura. Thank you for sharing your journey through your precious words. I’ll be reading along and lifting you in prayer, sweet friend.

    December 11, 2021 at 9:44 pm
    • Laura Ann Miller
      Laura Ann Miller Reply

      Thank you! ❤️

      December 12, 2021 at 6:10 am

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