The Breast Cancer Diaries | Part 1
The Breast Cancer Diaries | Part 1
I’m writing this journal as a way to process what’s happening and share this story with those who may want to follow along. I want to remember the details- the fear and the hope. I want to remember when I’m on the other side how God has been with me through it all.
My post dates won’t align with the current date yet. I’ve been keeping this journal from the beginning, but as I learn more I’m taking the time myself to process all that’s happening.
The Beginning of My Journey
I noticed a slight change in the appearance to my left breast. I didn’t realize this was something to be concerned about so I don’t know when I first noticed this difference. But then I one night I felt a lump in the same area where the change was. It scared me as soon as I felt it. I told Mike about it the next morning as we were getting ready for work. I stared at myself in the mirror wondering if I should be concerned. I was hoping he would tell me it was nothing, but he told me he noticed the change as well…
I cried in the shower at the thought of cancer.
October 2, 2021
I’m partially angry at the thought of breast cancer
I’m partially numb
I’m partially in agreement with Psalm 139-
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
But then again, I don’t want these to be the pages in my story, I don’t want this to be the way it ends. There has to be more pages in this book. The story can’t end so abruptly, can it?
Maybe I’ll find out good news instead of dread.
Maybe this will be a wakeup call to make sure the rest of the story is a good one.
I pray this is it.
October 4, 2021
My first Appointment
This was with my primary care doctor. Mike came with me. I think we both wanted to hear someone say there was nothing to be concerned about. In a way she was reassuring…
but she wrote me a prescription for a mammogram and ultra sound.
There were the words, “screening for breast cancer.”
October 6, 2021
Choose Your Own Adventure
Do you remember those books? The ones where you got to choose what happens next?
You could decide the next step for your character and turn the page or choose to go several pages forward in the story. You were part creator with the author.
I loved those books when I was little. I loved the idea of being able to choose what happened next, but I cheated. Sometimes I would choose and turn to the pages I was instructed, I would read, but then… well, I’d get curious and I’d go back to see what would happen if I had chosen different. How would the story end?
I thought of these adventure stories when I thought about cancer. What if I have it?
What would I do different right now? My thoughts swirl around my immediate family. Mike, Ethan, and August. My time with them hasn’t been enough yet…
And what about those “Bucket List” items? The ones you dream up in the long carefree immortal days of living. Because in the irony of writing a bucket list you still imagine you have forever.
What should I do with my time if my clock has started ticking down?
I feel like I would quit a lot of things.
I think of the places we haven’t seen yet- the Grand Canyon and Christ of the Abyss.
Things we haven’t done as a family yet- skiing and playing together in the snow.
Should we do these things together?
What about the dream of that cabin in the mountains? Maybe we should find it.
What page in our story do we turn to?
How will it affect the ending?